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Francis
Name: Francis
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Back March 2008
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I am in love.

That is all.

Current Location: UCLA - Courtside
Current Mood: melancholy melancholy
Current Music: Zendegi - Moein

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There is a fine line between love and hate.

No matter what I attempt to achieve, what I try to prove to myself and others, I have learnt recently that I will never obtain my own personal ideal. I ask myself everday, 'What exactly is wrong with wanting the perfect life; one full of happiness, of sincerity, and of final satisfaction? What is wrong with that?'

My friends, I know there is nothing wrong with that... but I also suppose that my ideals are much too high to warrant an actual desire. More so, it could and should be described as an ephermal dream.

Always... I have always loved and recieved the pain of stigma and rejection in fatal turn. Would it be better to not love at all and live without passion? To see for once what is actually there and concrete instead of chasing the dream of a almost lost past? Perhaps...

Perhaps I should resign myself to the fact that there is nothing that can possibly compare to actual happiness... including fleeting moments of truth and triumph.

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Current Location: CSULA
Current Mood: determined determined
Current Music: Diary of Jane

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Today, I realized that no matter what I do, I will never truly be happy.

Despite every effort I may make, regardless of the people I meet... my happiness is too tied into my past. A past that so far, seems to be forever lost.

I have met some incredible people in these past few months... people that have been ever supportive and understanding. Yet, I feel alone.

These are the demons that will never go away. The shadow of my past that once illuminated the future with such heavenly light is now my curse. My own mind has become my personal hell. All the self-doubt and self-loathing that I have ever felt comes down upon me on this night... and tomorrow, I fear only the same will come to pass. The years may go by, but my anger and grief will not.

Damn the world in all its cold bitterness. In its constant disgust of any form of love and joy.

Is this insanity? Perhaps... or perhaps I finally am seeing mankind for what it really is... unfeeling.

Happy Holidays.

Carlos L.J.

Current Mood: distressed distressed

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I feel like I am coming to an end...

Though these past few months have been riddled with success, I feel like all I want to do is die.

Just die.

What's the point of continuing to live if all you receive from the one you love the most is hate? For the past few days, I have been extremely ill... perhaps from a nervous breakdown... I really don't know or care anymore. To all those who have supported me this long... thanks. But you may no longer have to deal with me...

Carlos L.J.
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If the one you cared about most in this world were to die tommorrow, would they go knowing how much you cared?

It's a morbid thought to be sure, but one that undoubtably needs asking. If you claim to love someone so much that you are willing to spend the rest of your life with that one person, you should at least be able to feel sure that they know your true feelings. We all are guilty of the crime of thinking, "Oh he/she knows that I love him/her, there's no reason that should have to SAY it." That is simply the worst thing that we could possibly do. We would allow our own pride to interfere with the expression of our affection, our fellowship, our adoration, and yes, even love.

If I were to die tommorrow, would anyone care?

My answer is a whole-hearted yes; I know that there are those that would be willing to put down their lives for me just as I would for them... the question is, would the person you love the most have that same knowledge as well about their life? Think on it... then, act on it. Live with them every moment as if it were your last with them.

You never know... it may very well be.

Current Mood: confused confused

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First let me say that I cannot take credit for the following story. It is an old story, passed down by my friend's father Paul who passed away a year ago with luekemia. But what it stands for and what it means is true no matter how old we get....

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When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighbourhood. I remember well the polished old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother used to talk to it.

Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person - her name was "Information Please" and there was nothing she did not know. "Information Please" could supply anybody's number and the correct time.

My first personal experience with this genie-in-the-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbour. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer. The pain was terrible, but there didn't seem to be any reason in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy. I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway.

The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlour and dragged it to the landing. Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlour and held it to my ear. "Information Please," I said into the mouthpiece just above my head. A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear. "Information."

"I hurt my finger. . ." I wailed into the phone. The tears came readily enough now that I had an audience. "Isn't your mother home?" came the question.

"Nobody's home but me." I blubbered.

"Are you bleeding?"

"No," I replied. "I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts."

"Can you open your icebox?" she asked. I said I could. "Then chip off a little piece of ice and hold it to your finger," said the voice.

After that, I called "Information Please" for everything. I asked her for help with my geography and she told me where Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math. She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before would eat fruits and nuts. Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary died. I called "Information Please" and told her the sad story. She listened, then said the usual things grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I was un-consoled. I asked her, "Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?"

She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, "Paul, always remember that there are other worlds to sing in." Somehow I felt better. Another day I was on the telephone. "Information Please."

"Information," said the now familiar voice.

"How do you spell 'fix'?" I asked.

All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest. When I was 9 years old, we moved across the country to Boston. I missed my friend very much. "Information Please" belonged in that old wooden box back home, and somehow never thought of trying the tall, shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall. As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me. Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.

A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle. I had about half an hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then, without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and said, "Information, Please." Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well, "Information." I hadn't planned this but I heard myself saying, "Could you please tell me how to spell 'fix'?"

There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, "I guess your finger must have healed by now."

I laughed. "So it's really still you," I said. "I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time." "I wonder," she said, "if you know how much your calls meant to me. I never had any children, and I used to look forward to your calls." I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.

"Please do, she said. "Just ask for Sally."

Three months later I was back in Seattle. A different voice answered "Information." I asked for Sally. "Are you a friend?" she asked. "Yes, a very old friend," I answered.

"I'm sorry to have to tell you this", she said. "Sally had been working part-time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago."

Before I could hang up she said, "Wait a minute. Is your name Paul?"

"Yes."

"Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called. Let me read it to you. The note says, 'Tell him I still say there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what I mean.'"

I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant. Never underestimate the impression you may make on others. On that note I would like to ask you to remember how much difference one person can make in someone's life.

Current Mood: apathetic apathetic

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Once upon a time before you were born your life had already been planned out for you. Everything about your life was fated to happen, and you my poor innocent puppet have absolutely NO control over how your life develops and how you came to be where you are today. At least that's what you say.



This is the belief of so many people. That fate and destiny are the duo which control every aspect of their lives, and they are but puppets to them. Yes. Go on. Believe that you have no control over your life. That’s what you are saying anyway. Believe that every choice that was yours to make, was already made for you. Believe that your failures were predetermined and unavoidable. Believe that you are but a back boneless pathetic creature who is at the mercy of the duo. Just please; don't be offended when I scoff at you. And also, never say "carpe diem" if you believe in fate...

It is undeniable there are things outside of our control.
But never blame the things that are within your control
on fate or destiny.
It’s a pathetic thing to do.

p.s. if by chance you are Christian and believe that god is the controller of every aspect of your life and that he has planned out each and every decision you will make and made it for you before you come about having to make the decision please consider this. Does god plan for you to go to hell? Or do the choices you make get you there? And if it is the choices (as I’m fairly sure you will agree that it is) does that not mean that god DOES NOT in fact plan out your entire life and the decisions that that entails? And can one not infer that if god doesn't plan out ones life completely that fate only takes you so far? And if that is true does that not mean that fate has no real power over us at all, except to give us the nudge in a certain direction every once in a while (if that)?

Current Mood: curious curious

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I think if life gives you lemons and you make lemonade you should find someone whose life has given them Vodka so you can have a party.

I think if you are on trial for robbery you should stand up in court as often as possible and yell, "Hey, its not like I killed anyone."

I think that Mickey Mouse is gay. (not that there's anything wrong with that...no, of course not)

I think people should have to pass some sort of test to breed.

I think O.J. did it for the rush.

I think the next time I go to the 99 cent store I am going to pay using only pennies.

I think some people overthink thinking and that's just wrong.

I think that people should use the following phrase as often as possible, "That's craptacular." For example is someone asks you what you think of their new baby you can say "That's one craptacular baby."

Finally, I think if you work at a restaurant it wouldn't be a good idea to call in sick to work and then go eat lunch there.

That would be rather stupid...

Current Mood: amused amused

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10. People who wear socks with sandals. If you feel the need to be wearing socks, maybe you should also feel the need to be wearing shoes. 90% of the planet have ugly feet, and while I'm quite happy to not have to look at your stank toes, for the love of god, just wear shoes!

9. People who wear their shirt collars up. You are not Nelly, so put them down. And God help any frat boy who decides to try to put mine up.

8. The rain. It only ever rains when I have to be somewhere. It's never on the days where there's nothing to do. That and the inconsistency of it really gets annoying.

7. Cats: Hitler, Stalin. Pol Pot, George W Bush, Osama and the guy that invented pop up ads all owned cats. No one who ever owned a dog was this evil.

6. Beets. No food should naturally turn every other food on your plate purple. It's just creepy.

5. Stupid people. I can't believe that more people do not walk around wearing helmets and velcro on their shoes.

4. People who call me cute. There are so many better words to use. I'm going to go out and buy a kitten, and carry it around with me, and every time someone calls me cute I'm going to pull the kitten out of my pocket, and punch the kitten in the face... how cute will that be?

3. Hippies. They really smell.

2. Smart cars. Designed for hippies, priced for yuppies. God I wanna tip one.

1. People who lie to me.

Current Mood: contemplative contemplative

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Ok, so I forgot (AGAIN!!!) that today the underclassmen (and women) were to have their testing... I could have been sleeping or at home, but nooooo... I had to come to school didn't I? Anyways, I just finished uploading my bio on the ADSIC website with help from Gil and Kort... who knew these things could be so complicated?

All in all, it's been productive so far, but I hope it stays that way. I am still planning out my little roadtrip for the summer... I hope to visit some of my old friends from the my team back in England... and of course, I will need to give Charlene a visit since I promised I would if I ever took a trip of this kind... lol. Quite possibly, the girl would kill me if I didn't.

I'll post the finished product of a poem later on if I get around to it... but I probably should get started on studying for my math final. Oh noes!!!!!shift1!!!

Current Mood: awake awake